When you least expect it

This past friday was my 20th birthday. I went home and went to eat with my family, plus my dad's parents and my grandpa. My grandmother died about a month ago, and her 60 wedding anniversary and birthday were two weeks ago. Strangely enough, I have not been able to cry at all, not at the funeral, not seeing her body. None. I wanted to, but something in me wouldn't let me. I was told at the funeral that it would hit each of us at the least expected time. Well that time was friday.

It first hit me when I was given my birthay card from Papa. Mama always picked out the cards, signed them, underlined important words. She could have spent weeks just trying to find the right card. I noticed for the first time that she wasn't there because of the name. I can still see how she used to sign the names, "Mama & Papa" the M was always so beautiful. So that was at dinner.

After dinner, we dropped Papa off at his house and went in for a bit. I walked into the living room, where it was dark, and sat down. I didn't know why I was down, but I was. I looked over at Mama's chair where she sat every Christmas we gathered in the living room (the living room was rarely used, more like a parlor). As I sat alone, in that dark room- I could feel the sensation of sadness surround me. Tears began to slowly come out of my eyes, though no noise could be heard. It was completely involuntary, and I barely knew it was happening except for the feel of each tear roll down my cheek.

I know that Mama is in Heaven, living and seeing far greater things that I can at this moment here on earth; but I realized then that I will never again receive a birthday card from her, never again see her named signed so beautifully, as only she could. I will always have the memories, but thats all they will be. Memories. Even as Mama died of ALS, which took it seemed everything she loved most (activity wise) in order- first her speech started to go, then she had trouble walking, then eating and moving in general. But all the while her handwriting was beautiful still.

This weekend was hard, realizing the realness of everything. Gone from our sight, forever in our hearts, forever in our minds.