I don't think I have ever really understood what worship is. I mean, I know the definition, but the true broken worship full of purity and complete sincerity. I was thinking, and I experienced that about 4 or 5 months ago, the desperate worship you hear about.
I was leading worship at New Prospect Baptist Church, in Anderson, SC. I had one my soundcheck, and it was about 5 minutes before time to start. I went to the bathroom and checked my phone while I was in there. There was a voicemail from my mom, telling my a guy I went to high school with, I knew him somewhat well, was just killed in a car accident- someone cut him on while he was riding his motorcycle, he flipped and hit his head, and the driver never stopped. I stopped dead in my tracks. All at once thoughts filled my head- was he a Christian, did I ever tell him, did I have a true chance to, and did he know if I was a Christian. I mean, we went to a private Christian school, but that doesn't mean much. I remember I stood in the bathroom, just staring in the mirror for what felt like two hours. I heard a knock on the door and a call for me, asking if I was ready. I didn't want to not play, because I knew that I could still play. So anyway, I went up, the first couple songs were kind of shaky, and I prayed for Derek, my friend who had just died.
I then went into the song "Everything", by Lifehouse, by this point I had laid it all out. The chorus makes it to where you cannot escape it: "Cause you're all I want, You're all I need- You're Everything!" I didn't cry, but I wanted to. Badly. I choked up a little, not thinking of Derek anymore, but rather about my mortality, and if God was truly my everything at that moment.
After I finished I went and sat, finally letting Derek's death sink in. I couldn't focus on my friend Matt's lesson, but then he began to talk about Judgement House, a Christian "halloween trip" that shows the life of a person who goes to Hell. (that's the short story). People talked about their experiences there, and a guy stood up and talked about it. I can't remember what he said, but I do remember how I wanted to run out of there, because I was thinking in my head that derek was not saved. It was hard, because I felt so guilty. I found out later that Derek was a Christian. But God truly showed me a lot about worship in the most unusual way. You wouldn't think that recapping a trip would be the most moving experience, but it was.

So I just found out how hard this upcoming week is going to be for me. First off- I had a butthole of a test in Worship Leadership in Music (the professor actually thinks its a real class). Then- I have 8 pages of essays due Thursday for my Christian Ethics class, which I have not started because they require about 200 to 300 pages of reading just to start to understand. Then I have a brief (1 page paper that requires the thought of a 10 page paper) due Thursday. I have AU Idol Tuesday night, Rocky Creek which takes up my Wed. I don't know what to do- the walls are closing in and closing in fast. I could see a light at the end of the tunnel at somepoint, but i don't remember when or where that was. Now all I can see is blurs telling me that I don't have enough time, that I can't do it, that I will lose. Why is this happening. COuld I have avoided it? Could I have prepared earlier- not really. The brief wasn't assigneed until last night, the test was posted Thursday. It sucks because I have no time to do this stuff I need to do.

I watched Into The Wild last night, which was phenomenal. I didn't read the book growing up, I am not much of a Jon Krakauer fan- mainly because of his opinions in his book Into Thin Air. I am not gonna go into detail on that, because he did redeem himself on this.

First off- lets go with the obvious- Emile Hirsch's performance. It was brilliant. I haven't checked out to see how much weight he lost to look like he did at the end.

The movie was so good though, not necessarily because of the story, but because of the directing. The filmwork was amazing, enough to cause anyone to be like "that was a cool shot, that was a brilliant idea"

So yeah, sad movie, but really good.

On to about me...
I have my last show tonight at eCity Java. Its not my last show ever, but for a while. I am tired to being lied to, being manipulated, and all that by fellow musicians and venues and all that. I am gonna focus on recording for a few months, basically do exactly what Chris does in the movie, but on a different level. I won't be getting paid for my recording, but the opposite, my goal, my "Alaska" is the final product, that I hold in my hands. The feeling you have when its done but not released is amazing. To know you have something that isn't available, YET, to people.

The problem with what I am going to do is exactly what happens in the movie- unknowingly poisning myself. Chris takes what looks like potato root, an edible plant, and eats it, but it is actually a very poisonous plant that looks exactly like it. Chris had survived that long, and it wasn't really his fault, but at the same time, it was. To assume that what he thinks is good is. The same is true in the music industry. I have received numerous emails and whatnot, even calls, from "labels" wanting me to pay them to put me on a cd. Poison.

What I must be careful of is poisoning myself by not recording up to par. By not researching it all, but just "thinking good is good-" that will kill me.

I don't know where this music phase in my life is heading, because I cannot ever imagine 1,000's of people ever going and listening to a record of mine endlessly, or me performing before a sold out arena. So maybe this is just that, a phase, something I grow out of. But I don't want to grow out. I enjoy it, not for the "fame," because there is none now, but because I write songs, and perform them in front of people, and they enjoy it. I may never reach the attendance I want, but I always MUST enjoy it. The minute I lose that, I have become an entertainer, and not a musician.

So what decides what a sell out is in the musical sense? Have I sold out?