i'm stuck on you
like dew to a blade of grass
i'll leave by force- but always leave a part of me behind

i'm stuck on you
like white on rice
or some other really lame line
and you'll never lose me.

you loved me through the hard times
and i can't deny you were there in the good
something in me needed something in you
so much it hurt



not a physical pain, mind you
but a pain nonetheless
a pain that seaped inside my soul
crying to be left out



and on the day our two souls merge
that spirit will unlock the door
hurling the pain back to its world
as you give me the gift of love

remember me when i go to high

when i follow the rules

but ignore the suggestions

remember me when i lavish you in gifts

flowers and roses

and intoxicating smells

remember me when i tell you i do

when i take you in my arms

when i lay you down

remember me when i lose the fights

when i come out victorious

when i don't come out at all

remember me when i can't make a smile

when i can't see the light

when i can't continue on

remember me as your lover

as your completion

as part of you

and when you do remember me

keep me as a memory

So my previous post was about how I need faith in God. This weekend at the retreat He showed me that He will take care of me. It rained every night, but when we were supposed to play in the lake, the sun was bright and high in the sky!

We had prayed that God would show up- but we never expected how. And before I go too far, I would like to say that I never cry. The last time I cried that was even comparable to this was when my now fiance said she needed some time alone (single) to think, when I had an engagement ring. But God shattered me as I witnessed Him break my students Saturday night. I wept that night, but because I was sad, not because I was happy, but because I was witnessing God at work like I never had before. You could feel the heaviness of the room when you walked in, and for the first time- I was speechless before God.

I had prepared how I would type this out all yesterday, but now that I am, there are no words that are worthy of what happened. So this post will be short, and if you want to know the power of what happened- there was someone there that you can ask, He can tell you firsthand what happened.

today is the day of the fall retreat with my students. I should be stoked. and I am. but I am also stressed. alot. You see, I don't do well with administration stuff, so while I can hop in a van and go somewhere with kids- the politics, paperwork, and money of trips like this freak me out. Some of it is because I am unexperienced with it, and as I get used to it it will get better. Some of it is my own low self esteem that I can't do something that I actually can. And some of it is just plain paranoia.

For example- it is raining right now. Weather channel says it will all weekend. That would be great except we are going to a place where the only real fun stuff to do is outside. Now granted, it will be fun regardless, but the "main attractions" if you will, are outside.
I realized that I never checked the weather when I planned this. But then I realized- God did. And if I was operating under God's will when I planed this, then He knew all along what the weather would be like. And even more awesome- if it does rain tomorrow- it is because He wanted it to, for a specific purpose.

I wanted this weekend to be about unity, and how else do you unite than being stuck in a room with people!
I posted on my twitter today "Pray for clear skies tomorrow". How stupid of me.
I was thinking out of my own selfish plans because that is what I do when I panic, I try to fix it myself. And everytime I am scrambling to try to find some difficult answer, like "I need it to not rain" rather than using Occam's Razor and arriving at the simpler answer hours before my difficult answer. The easy answer is this- "if it rains and you can't go outside- who cares. God is there with you, and He planned this weekend. God doesn't get His plans rained out."

It all boils down to my faith in God. There are a few ways Christians rely on God. (1)Janitor- They pray to Him asking Him to fix things for them. To clean up the mess they have made. (2) High School Guidance Counselor- They come to Him after trying to sort through it on their own and halfway listen until they have their answer. (3) The Lottery- Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. But then there is number (4) The Leader- People pray to God to guide their lives, to plan for them. When something goes "wrong" they realize that it's not wrong, its exactly the way God meant for it to happen. Nothing is outside of God's will.

Remember that: nothing is outside of God's will. Not your flat tire, not your family tragedy, not your promotion... not the rain at your retreat. Because it's not yours. It is His flat tire, it is His family tragedy, it is His promotion. You are the surrogate, if you will.

So I just read 1 John 4 yesterday. If you read that passage without feeling any kind of brokenness, I feel sorry for you.

The idea that love exists only through God is amazing. Think about it- romance is not love-romance builds into love. Dating is not love. Dating leads to love. But even better than that- each of these things, if they are leading toward love, they are leading toward God.

Verse 8 says this, "Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love." Basic algebra in this verse: Love=God (or God=love). This means you can switch this verse around a bit. here are some other translations, just for you.
"Anyone who does not know God does not know love, for God is love."
"Anyone who dows not obey God does not love, because God is love."

Get the idea?
To know God is to love God. To love God is to obey God. You can't love your wife and disobey her requests/commands.

This verse should feel like a sledgehammer to your knees, delivering crushing blows driving you to your face in utter brokenness.

It hurt me. Alot. I have always said that I love love, that I am a lover, that I know love. But this verse took me out back like a sick horse. Because get this- I don't love like I should. Not really. I love those that are easy to love, even worse- I love the idea of love. But if God is love, and love is God, and to know love is to know and obey God, I fall short. I fall short on both ways- I don't love like I need to, so according to this verse I don't know God at all like I thought I did; and I don't know love like I thought I did, because I don't over God like I need to.

This verse should sum up our faith. Not our religion, which consists of missions and outreach as well as faith, but ourfaith. Our Personal relationship with Christ. This verse is what our faith is all about- love.

And even better- if you are having trouble with patients, take a look at your love. We try so hard to become more patient, while saying "I got enough of love. I'm good on that."
If we are having to pray for patients, or kindness, or gentleness- we do not have enough love.


So why do we love? Do we love because Hollywood tells us to? Do we because we are sick of the hatred in this world? Do we love because it amazes us? We shouldn't. We should love because God first loved us (Verse 19). Anything else is superflous.

So- do you love? Do you know love? Do you know God?

Read this passage and take a look at yourself. You'll be suprise at what you find.

hopeless

in a crowded room

crowded but empty in a dim

lit room

heartbreak

of a dream turned bad

the thin wanted most

will not be reached today

sitting on a bench

in the middle of the desert

wishing for the end

hoping for the end

but hopes comes in the dark

a spark in the black

one change to pick it up

grow it large

or simply let

it

die

if only

i had known

the spanish

the dance would

have lasted

for

hours.

the rain danced off the window pane
like disco on the floor
the moon was rising high into the sky
you and i were laying on the couch by the fire
but the wood was sending sparks
into the room

they said the storm would pass
in a day or two
but the sun won't return all week
they say its been too long
that we need the rain
but i'll spend the night in the den

the ghouls come out at night
but i always lock the doors
and leave a single rose on the driveway
the rain mixed with the night
makes evening perfect in our house
safe and dry in the perfect world